Adventures of Sylas
by cleverusername82
Summary: This is a heavily satire story about the changes coming across the land after Sylas obtains freedom. There are many inside jokes originating from the r/SwainMains discord server, if you'd like to join the link can be found on the r/SwainMains subreddit.
1. Chapter 1

Sylas started out today like any other, quickly getting out of bed and beginning his routine of handstand walking to his kitchen in order to have his breakfast of a dozen protein shakes. Upon making it downstairs, he discovered his newly purchased bag of whey protein powder spilled all over the floor. A primal scream escaped his throat as he saw the arrow that pierced the bag. Five years since the fall of Demacia and Quinn still came by weekly to smash his mailbox and sabotage his chiseled aabs.

Sylas called upstairs to his fiance, "Luxanna!".

They had been engaged four years and had moved their couples therapy up to once a week this past month. Lux's tendency to blurt out Garen's name during sex along with Sylas' desire for her to roleplay as Demacia and him as a battering ram drove a very large wedge into their intimate life. After several minutes of no reply, he stalked back upstairs to check on her.

"I need you to talk to the bird wo-" he spoke as he moved down the hallway, the rest of his words dieing in his throat as he threw the door open.

Lux lay in the bed, blankets barely pulled over herself, next to a life-sized cardboard cutout of none other than Jarro Lightfeather himself. There was a seductive mood in the room, softly lit candles all around and a faint smell of chocolate syrup. Her eyes grew wide at the intrusion, and she attempted to find an excuse.

"S-Sylas, I-I…" Sylas spun on his heel, smashing Lux's Swain-hand lavalamp and storming out the door and backstairs once again.

He retreated to his safe space, a room filled with Udyr figurines. Sylas liked to scream obscenities and belittle them as he crushed them between his extremely large arms. He picked a medium sized phoenix form off of the wall and read it's small name tag that his butler had made. "Hmmph. Megidrus." Sylas slowly crushed it with his boot while whispering to it about it's uselessness. Now considerably calmer, he checked the time and prepared to make his public appearance.


	2. Chapter 2

"...and when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything!" Sylas finished educating his young nephew, Xin Zhao, on the joys of ruling.

Xin's only response was to glare at him with burning hatred in his eyes, it seemed to be the only emotion Xin showed, but Sylas tried his best to ignore it. Without a blood heir, Sylas had taken the former Demacian under his wing. He expected Xin to be grateful for the opportunity to not be enlisted as a petricite miner, but the young boy only muttered angrily under his breath and flexed his palms as if gripping a spear. Sylas simply patted his back and sent him on his way to classes.

Glancing around him, Sylas decided it was time for another round of SylasVille's motto. Amplifying his voice by magic, he began the chant.

"BADDA BING!" Sylas could be heard throughout the entirety of the city, he now waited for the citizens reply.

"BADDA BOOM!" While not as loud as Sylas, the voice of every former Demacian citizen rang out through the city.

His guards would be very busy for a short time, as anyone not participating would be sent to the mines. He had to keep the supply steady somehow, but still wanted to keep a fun atmosphere. There were some kinks in the method, such as Sona Buvelle not making it a single day, but Sylas was overall happy with how it ran. He took a deep breath, admiring the city and all it's inhabitants, some being lead away in cuffs.

The Demacian flags had long been stripped from SylasVille, something that gave Sylas great pleasure every time he stepped outside of his palace. There had been a great debate over the flag of the new empire, his council pushed for the symbol of his bloodline while Sylas decided on a more refined taste. SylasVille flags and banners now featured a pigs head flanked on either side by spiked shoulderpads around three times as large. This had caused outrage in the Demacian Representative Council, he shortly decided afterwards to replace them with cardboard Jarro, Galio's left toe, and his pet iguana. A more agreeable council would help his utopia keep running for years to come.

"Hi Hubby!" Lux hugged him from behind, her usual bubbly personality already spreading over the area.

"Luxanna." Sylas' greeting was short, he was still hurt by her affair with the smug, inanimate Lightfeather.

The object would have long been destroyed by Sylas' frustrations, but it seemed to be enchanted with a spell from ancient times, it was unbreakable and the smug expression on it's face grew along with the oppositions anger.

"I hired that Mariachi band you wanted, ordered your Ab Carver Pro 3000™, and made you a to-do list, I have to teach my yoga class now, bye, love you!" Lux finished her sentence in seconds, pecking him on the cheek and running off after handing him the list.

Sylas stuffed the list into his pocket without looking at it, he had things to attend to for now. Vayne, a former Demacian noble, had reportedly gone missing again. Most times she was found hiding under a tree's shadow, carving lyrics from My Chemical Romance into the bark. Keeping her here was a necessity to prevent the citizens from rising against him, they needed some semblance of their old past. Mariachi band now in tow, Sylas set out to rescue Vayne before she began writing poetry.


	3. Chapter 3

Feelings of dread had been slowly creeping throughout Sylas as the hunt of Vayne continued. He had left the Mariachi band behind to perform Sound of Silence and hopefully draw her out, while he scoured the streets alone. Nearly all of SylasVille had now been covered, except for the last district. The Udyrian district consisted of all buildings, homes, and people he wanted to keep grouped together until a new shipment came in from Ziggs. He would have to make this search quick, men hadn't been allowed in until 2:30 today.

As a scream sounded to his side, Sylas looked over just in time to see a jaywalker obliterated by a...glowing boobplate?

"I aM jUsTiCe" Kayle screeched as she dived for another, producing a pair of tights from somewhere and attempting to strangle her victim.

Sylas leaped into action, quickly stopping after he saw the Yasuo Premium Hoodie™ worn by the citizen. He instead slowly shuffled away, deciding to take his chances with the inner district over dealing with Madam Lips. Screams followed him all down the district, most likely coming from the Rework Recovery Facility. Sylas turned right into an alley, shadow-filled to Vayne's liking, and stopped dead in his tracks. Shyvana lay hunched against the wall, a large and spiked shoulder pad held tightly in her lap. She turned her head to look at him, tear-streaked eyes opening wide.

"YOU!" She screamed, "What have you done with my husbando!?"

She let out a small puff of flame toward Sylas, but he flexed his aabs and readily absorbed it, gaining a nice tan in the process.

"M'dragon, stand down or I will be forced to-" Sylas was cut off as an empty liquor bottle flew over his head, shattering against the wall. Shyvana started to crawl around a corner, turning back in fear a moment later. Cardboard Jarro stood behind her, staring greedily at her legs. Several emotions had already crossed Shyvana's face, the only remaining one was a true, visceral fear. Sylas could only watch in horror as Jarro dived, planting a single kiss upon her leg before disappearing in a flash of light. The half-dragon was now in a fetal position, and Sylas thought it wise to leave her be. He slowly stepped over her, continuing on.

His final destination was now upon him, Vayne's last refuge. Sylas grasped the glitter encrusted door handles, and bravely entered the Prestige Shop.


End file.
